chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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