Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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