I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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