To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
