I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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