I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
