meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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