that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
