I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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