is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have fence marks all over my body
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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