so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
