Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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