puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
