im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
