I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
