Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
