I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
