I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
