Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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