so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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