I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
