do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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