dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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