I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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