i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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