I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
