Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just pee around me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
