my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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