the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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