hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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