I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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