do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
