Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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