You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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