Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
