My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
