So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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