You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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