The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
