I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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