the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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