so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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