if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
