There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
