spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
