Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
porn star boner night. come get it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
