Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
