Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
birth control should be required to get into college
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
