Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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