I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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