i already hear my dad disowning me
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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