I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
They are going to name an STD after you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
